Couples Sailing – Recipe for Divorce?

by Sail-World Cruising on 3 Jan 2007 How DO people go sailing on a tiny boat for years? In a space not much bigger than your normal bathroom, and often a lot wetter? Are relationships destroyed? Do they get stronger? Or is it the very best recipe for divorce?

Not at all, say Don and Sandi Goodman of Miami Florida, who have just finished their own circumnavigation of the world. (Unlike Ellen McArthur, who did it alone in just over two months, the Goodmans have done it together together in their boat Destiny, and taken just over 14 years.)

In fact, they say that long-range cruising couples, once they have survived the first few years, are unlikely to split. ‘The relationship gets stronger!’ says Sandy, ‘By the time they recognise cruising as a reality, not the dream that they might have expected, they have sorted out their problems.

However, according to Daniel Weiss of the Columbia New Service, Chris Myles and his fiance KT Roddick, after three years of sailing, don’t quite agree. A few months into sailing around the world, Myles and Roddick met a couple who had weathered a cyclone the previous year. This couple's relationship had emerged intact, but three other couples they knew had lost their boats and ended up divorcing.

Myles estimates that 5 percent to 10 percent of sailing couples break up, frequently because the woman discovers that sailing is not the romantic life of pina coladas and palm trees her partner had led her to expect.

In their three years at sea, Myles and Roddick have found the natural division of labor on a boat into 'blue and pink jobs' to be the greatest challenge to their relationship. At home in Ventura, Calif., they worked as equals at an electronic-engineering company, but at sea, Myles captains the boat and works on the engine while Roddick cooks and cleans.

However, he also says, 'I've never seen stronger relationships than I've seen out here. They're sharing more of the raw, basic-human-nature kind of experience that you sort of miss when you're doing the whole 9-to-5 thing.'

The Goodmans have some pretty firm ideas too about what makes for successful partnerships on the water:

‘Number 1,’ says Sandy, ‘is intense respect for each other’s space. This doesn’t mean you have to have ‘his and her’ spaces. If you feel the other person needs some space, maybe even unconsciously, go to the other end of the boat and stay there for a while!’

‘At some deep level’, says Don, ‘both people have to be wanting to do it. Maybe one partner, usually the woman, will start to cruise because it’s her partner’s passion, but at some point you are going to get very tired of doing the other person a favour. That’s when that spouse has to find some personal love of the life, or not continue.’

Sandy agrees. ‘It may not be a love of sailing,’ she says. ‘It could be the seeing the world, touring, the swimming, the wonderful weather, casual life, but she must find a love for the life somewhere.’

‘The other important necessity is a good sense of humour. Things are going to go wrong, and you have to live with it.’

‘I am always interested in exactly why people go sailing.’ Says Don. ‘Mostly, it’s because at least one of them isn’t happy with their current lifestyle. We know one guy, well he and his wife had the house, the pool, the smart cars, the fancy lifestyle, and then he woke up one morning and say ‘This life really sucks!’

‘Now there was a problem, because his wife was very happy with her lifestyle, and she said ‘It’s either me or the boat’. So he gave her the house and all the paraphernalia, and took off to go sailing. They divorced, and we met him out here on the water, a few years later, with a new partner – one who loves the sailing life – and the guy is really happy now. We’ve seen that happen quite a bit.’

Sandy laughs, ‘We knew NOTHING when we started. We had been weekend and vacation cruisers for a long time, and wanted to try it for a longer time. However, we started by going 900 miles into weather, which was maybe more of a test than we needed. But when we finished that sail we were on such a high – we were beside ourselves with our achievement.

‘And the great thing was we found that we worked well together.’

‘Then there is the job allocation.’ Says Sandy, ‘There are definitely pink jobs and blue jobs, but this changes with every boat. For instance, I steer the boat always, because I am not strong enough to do the hard work on deck.’

‘Guys always think they are doing the manly stuff,’ adds Don, ‘and that what the woman does is somehow less important - but you have to respect each other’s tasks. Cooking has to be respected as much as engine-fixing. Don’t forget that when you are cruising, it’s your home and you want to be comfortable, so the ‘pink’ jobs are just as important to your lifestyle as the ‘blue’ jobs.’

So how can you tell whether the cruising lifestyle is for you? Chris Myles has a novel idea:

To test out the experience of sailing, he says by telephone from the couple's latest port stop in Bundaberg, Australia, 'Go and live in your bathroom for like a week, because it's about that same size.'

Sail-World Cruising would like to thank Daniel Weiss of the Columbia New Service for exerpts in this article