How to pee in a rough sea, for girls eyes only

by Nancy Knudsen on 10 Dec 2006 There is one aspect of cruising like this in rocky seas that I have not discussed, and maybe no-one else has, and there’s nothing surer that my mother would disapprove of this subject being touched upon at all.

It’s having a pee. Now for the boys, that’s easy. Stand somewhere on downwind toe rail (don’t make a mistake on this) and there ya go!

On the other hand we ladies have a more complicated manoeuvre to master, and in a very rocky sea this becomes quite complex. If you’re getting ready for a cruise, along with MOB and flare training, it’s good to practice this art, so let me go through it step by step:

First thing to point out is that the loo lid must remain shut when not in use, and under 100% control when in use. This is necessary because otherwise the lid may at any moment slam shut, and this sound is very similar to the sound of a forestay snapping.

If you don’t know what a forestay is, just believe me, it’s serious. This is likely to cause the Skipper much grief, which will be expressed in a series of four letter words that are not nice to a lady’s ears. So, KEEP the toilet seat cover under control!

So, first shut yourself in the head (which is the strange nautical name for the loo – maybe because seasick sailors have a habit of spending a lot of time with their head in that position).

Make sure the door is firmly shut, as in a lurching boat a body can plunge through a badly shut door and hit the wall on the other side of the boat with the greatest of ease. I know this through experience.

Inside the loo, the first task, of course, is to lower the knickers. It is impossible in a rocky sea to use both hands to do this, as you need at least one hand if not two permanently holding on to something firm to keep balance. So, as it’s rather awkward to get you knickers down with one hand and even more difficult without any, and quite time consuming, I have devised this rather clever plan which I am thinking of patenting.

First, you stand with your back to the loo as usual, and, holding on firmly to something solid with one hand, you raise the lid with the other, and then lean back far enough so that the lid cannot fall without coming in contact with your butt, which will prevent it from falling and making that awful noise which frightens the Skipper so.

Now, with the loo lid secured, you lean further back from the knees until your back and head contact the wall behind. At this point you may be at about a 45 degree angle. Now you are wedged with your two feet on the floor and one back to the wall, and the loo seat is safe. Now, both hands are free to get your knickers down successfully.

Now you slide your back down the wall, until you are successfully seated on the loo, and the loo seat secured behind your back. Hooray!

The next step is obvious, and I shan’t give you any new clues on that.

Having finished, you now have to repeat the process, this time sliding your back up the wall until you reach the before said 45 degree angle, and use both hands to raise your knickers to their original position. Now the last bit is a bit tricky.

Back still to the wall, you have to jut your hips forward, far enough so that you can close the lid behind you, thus securing it so that it won’t bang shut. Now you lurch forward to a vertical position taking care to grab something to hang onto before the next boat gyration throws you off balance.

If you practice this a few times, you will find it easy, although you may end up with a slightly kinked spine. This, however, is not as bad as being ricocheted around the walls of the loo by a lurching boat, and nothing remotely as bad as frightening the Skipper.