The Best Sailing Instructions - ever?

by Guy Nowell, Sail-World Asia on 3 Dec 2010 No, I didn't write these Sailing Instructions, but wish I had! Sailors in Asia, and particularly competitors in the Raja Muda Selangor International Regatta, will immediately recognise the delightfully dry wit of one Cdr John Ferguson RN (Ret'd), who has just stepped down as General Manager of the Royal Selangor Yacht Club and Regatta Director of the RMSIR.

We publish this gem from the archives as a respectful nod to a man whose wicked sense of humour has enlivened many a prizegiving ceremony, and whose presence at the RMSIR will be sorely missed.

WARNING: do not attempt to drink coffee whilst reading these SIs.




SAILING INSTRUCTIONS

Royal Selangor Yacht Club, Keelboat Championships 2007 and End of Season Festival

1. Rules
The rules will be as decided by the Race Officer on the day. As no Club sailors bother reading the Racing Rules of Sailing or have much understanding of their relevance to racing, they are placed in abeyance.

2. Notices to Competitors
A notice board will be placed inside the entrance to the Clubhouse, but nothing of any significance will be posted as the majority of sailors will walk straight past it as usual.

3. Changes to Sailing Instructions
These will be arbitrary, unpremeditated and incomprehensible to all concerned. They will probably not be divulged to competitors.

4. Signals made ashore
No signals will be made ashore for the same reason explained in (2) above.

5. Schedule of Races
The first race will start at 1430 in the vicinity of Tail Buoy, regardless of whether any yachts are present or wind conditions are suitable for racing, or whether there are three container ships manoeuvring within half a mile of the start line. All present will set off en masse towards a Club mark, but will have to decide which one is the correct buoy because more than one will be laid and no compass bearing to the correct one displayed (for the same reason as in (2) above).

About one hour later, or when the Race Officer has finished his sandwiches, and regardless of whether any/all yachts have completed the first race, another race will be sailed, involving a complicated slalom course across the current and finishing in the vicinity of the Kapar Power Station. At this point the wind will die completely and the Race Officer will head off at high speed to the Club to restore himself to his usual comforts.

In the unlikely event that the wind revives, and is blowing from a westerly direction (that is, from where the bunker tankers are playing Chinese chess), a pursuit race back to the Club will be staged. As the rules for pursuit races are incomprehensible to club sailors, even those who bother to take them on board or care to open them, a large inflatable doll will be erected in the Naiad (that’s the rubber boat whose usual role is to spend half an hour laying a mark in the wrong place, then another half an hour picking it up again). As soon as a yacht spots the doll it may chase it. The Naiad will proceed in the direction of the Club as an aid to navigation for those who by now are totally disorientated. If the engine does not break down, or the crew decides that fishing is more fun, the Naiad will continue ahead of the pursuing yachts until it lands on its trailer at the Club ramp. Yachts are warned to call off the pursuit before this happens, and to shape their course northwards (that’s towards the bridge to Northport), doffing their caps and blowing horns as they pass the Club Pontoon, where a half naked boat boy washing his underwear will return their greetings in traditional manner.

Yachts may then return to their berths, if there are any, or continue to explore the delights of the Klang River. The bar opens at 1700, with a free barrel of beer.

6. Class Flags
In these politically correct times classes have been abolished, so as not to appear discriminatory. The Race Officer will grab the nearest rag and throw it up. (see 2 above, again).

7. Racing Areas
Where possible, these will be in the water.

8. The Courses
Yachts may select their own courses to afford the optimum use of available wind, tidal direction, and a vague recollection of where they went last time they raced. If 2 or more boats select the same course, this will constitute a race, but there will be no result unless they return to the signal boat, assuming that it has not drifted or dragged, or been sent off on some fool’s errand. If in doubt – head for Tail Buoy – that’s the yellow bouncy one with the top marks broken off by other boats passing too close – and throw your hands in the air for high fives when you pass it.

9. Marks
These are defined in the text books as any object which yachts are required to pass on a designated side in the process of sailing the course.

10. Areas that are obstructions
Mud, sand, rocks, light beacons, vessels that are bigger than you, regardless of whether they are moving.

11. The Start
When he is ready, and his pipe is going well, the Race Officer will blow his nose to announce the Warning Signal. Someone will put up a bit of bunting. Approximately one minute later, or when the Race Officer has finished taking a telephone call from the Commodore or his wife (that’s the RO’s and the Commodore’s, but not simultaneously, unless a conference call has been set up) another bit of bunting will be hoisted accompanied by a loud burp from the boat coxswain, who is half way through his nasi goreng. Boats will then mill about and shout friendly greetings to each other before sailing dangerously close to the signal boat to request a copy of the Sailing Instructions, which they have inadvertently left ashore. After a reasonable interval, during which the Race Officer will clean, re-fill and light his pipe once again, the second bit of bunting (or maybe the first if the chap on the ropes feels so inclined) will be lowered. Six boats will then attempt to aim for the centre of the transom of the signal boat simultaneously, causing the Race Officer to move to the bow and don his life jacket. Latecomers will still be arriving from the on-course side of the line, adding to the confusion, and at the appointed start time the signal mast will collapse before the boat sinks with all hands.

12. Change to the next leg of the course
This will be entirely arbitrary and in the gift of the Race Officer. Yachts may ignore such posing, and continue on their way regardless.

13. The Finish
Provided that the Race Officer has managed to swim to another boat with his race kit bag, he will set up office and prepare to receive whatever yachts deem it interesting enough to return. Those that have gone cruising may take their own finish times at any convenient point, and brag about them at the bar afterwards.

14. Penalty System
The Race Officer will impose on-the-spot fines on any boat displaying any sailing skill at all, or no lady helm. These will be paid at the bar upon return to the Club.

15. Time Limits
There are none – yachts may stay out there enjoying themselves as long as they please, but are requested to send a post card to the Club from their eventual point of landing.

16. Protests and Requests for Redress
Yachts will sort these out amicably (or otherwise) between themselves. The Race Committee is neither interested nor amused by being bothered with this sort of stuff.

17. Scoring
The Race Officer will award or deduct points based on the degree of cooperation shown, number of silly questions directed at him, general congeniality of the skipper and number of crew persuaded to participate, and gifts received. Boats which get this combo wrong will not win any prizes.

18. Safety Regulations
As the Government does not indicate what these are, or indeed if they exist, yachts are left to work out for themselves what precautions are sensible, what actions minimise the likelihood of damage or destruction, and what level of liquid refreshment is deemed adequate for the number of passengers embarked.

19. Replacement of Crew or Equipment
This is to be encouraged if either does not perform satisfactorily.

20. Equipment and Measurement Checks
These are entirely the responsibility of individual owners/skippers or dogsbodies appointed by them. The Race Committee is totally indifferent.

21. Official Boats
Whatever can be made to float and work on the day.

22. Support Boats
Ditto (21) above.

23. Radio Communication
Depending upon whether the Race Officer has remembered to bring his radio along, and that it has been charged up, it may be possible for him to be contacted on Channel 999. He may also may announcements of profound importance to the progress of the event on some completely different channel in Serbo Croat.

24. Prizes
The availability of prizes is entirely dependent upon the generosity of Club Members.

25. Disclaimer of Liability
The Race Officer shall not be blamed for anything.

26. Insurance
The Sailing Secretary may collect money in exchange for worthless cover notes prior to the event, depending on how good business has been in the previous month.

SEE YOU ALL ON THE WATER!!