Laser Masters - Up and at ‘em

by Jardine Media on 20 Sep 2008 Pharmacies are stocking up on Viagra; sailing clubs are dusting down their defibrillators; Commodores are reviewing their CPR procedures while waterfront bars everywhere are stocking up their supplies of antique port. The beaches are ringing with the sound of Zimmer frames bashing against fibreglass hulls and even the local lap dancing club is getting in on the act by offering a pensioners discount. Yep, it’s that time of year again- the PSA Laser Masters Series is coming to town.

If your eyesight is good enough to read this, you’re probably not a Laser Great Grand Master, that rarest of sailors- a kind of cross between Yoda and a Jedi Knight (looks like the former but dances like the latter.) We have it on good authority that when the Laser Masters visit a new sailing club they have to be directed towards exits with the ringing cry of ‘Head for the light, Pops!’ And we’ve also heard that these strange creatures are prone to some bizarre nocturnal habits, with widespread reports of cross dressing during last year’s events.

(We’ve even heard that one elderly gentleman went so far as to adorn his beloved Zimmer frame with a natty pair of fishnets.)

In the sailing club where I cut my teeth, a sign hung behind the bar which read ‘Age and cunning beats youth and energy every time.’ The sign had been there so long that it had become encrusted with fat from the deep fryer and stained by the foam of countless beers.

As a fit young thing, I paid the sign no heed- it was clear to me that this was just the befuddled mutterings of some geriatric old fart waiting to die. Sadly I aged; time, life and children took their toll, and one day I read the sign and thought ‘yesss…actually there’s something in that.’

What makes Laser Masters racing so unique is that you have a whole fleet of extremely cunning, devious individuals sailing against each other; the saying should be ‘all’s fair in love, war and lasers.’

It’s not uncommon to see one cantankerous old bastard busily pushing a competitor into the start boat with a genial cry of ‘starboard!’ While over on the other side of the course another aging fox has lured his main rival onto a sandbank.

In any club series there’s normally one or two bastards who sail to the very edge of the rule book, who gleefully engineer collisions between rival boats and sail clear with a ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ smirk. But during the Laser Masters Series, there’s nowhere to hide: the whole fleet is like this.

The bumper sticker should read- ‘Old Laser sailors never die, they just get meaner.’

And to make matters worse, many of these men and women have been sailing against each other for years, and therefore have had time to work up some serious grudges. Back at the club they’re sweet senior citizens, but on the water the fights are as passionate as a Scottish neighbour’s boundary dispute.

If you’d like to join the fun, you’ll be relieved to hear that although Round 1 of the PSA Masters Series has been and gone (Royal Queensland Yacht Squadron hosted the South Pacific Masters from 25th-28th of July) there are events at Jervis Bay and Mount Martha coming up.

The next event is the NSW State Masters Championship (round 2 of the PSA Masters Series) to be hosted by the Jervis Bay Sailing Club (to be confirmed) on the 22nd-23rd November. Following that the Victorians get their turn, with round 3 kicking off at Mount Martha Yacht Club on 14th-15th February.

And even better news for all you stroppy, cat food eating pensioners out there is that registration is absolutely free! Registration is available in over 35 (Apprentice), over 45 (Master), over 55 (Grand Master) and over 65 years (Great Grand Master) click here for your free registration

You also need to enter the event through your State click here to go to Queensland Laser click here to go to NSW & ACT District Laser click here to go to Victorian Laser Association

If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of the PSA Masters Series it’s because the series was only introduced this year.

It’s a new point score series using three existing events: the Queensland Mid Winter, the NSW & ACT State Championships and the Victorian State Masters Championships. Scoring will be your overall result from each regatta, all three regattas are to count and generous prizes will be on offer for series winners.

Prizes include gilded hot water bottles, decorative pill boxes, pure wool blankets and refreshing sponge baths from scantily clad health professionals.

Performance Sailcraft are offering some great deals on charter boats. A 193 Series Hull with Spars, Foils and dolly will cost you $200 (plus damage deposit, and we know you’re going to cane your boat, Pops) for the NSW/ACT and Victorian events. We can also source walking frames at a very reasonable price.

To book a charter boat email (that’s a kind of electric letter) to michael@lasersailing.com.au with all your details eg name, address, phone, nursing home, medications….

As there will only be a limited number of charter boats available you should book early. For further information contact: michael@lasersailing.com.au

As the slogan on the event website says, ‘Cheat the nursing home, die on your Laser!’

For more information about Lasers see the following sites:
http://www.lasersailing.com.au

Performance Sailcraft contact details:
Performance Sailcraft Pty Ltd
Lot 7 Catamaran Road, Ourimbah NSW 2258
Australia